Love Don't Live Here.

I step out. And as my shield from exposure, from disappointment, from disgrace, from confusion...I wear my mask. The mask of pretence. The mask that the world believes and knows. The mask that carries me each living day, that saves me from heartache, breaking down with tears everlasting, lasting until there isn't an ounce of hope any more. Except it is not a mask to you. It is what you think is me or rather know is me. There isn't anything strange, it is just a normal average day and everything seems fine. I glance and prance at the behaviours of different people surrounding me. Breathing in and soaking up the personalities and practicalities of these individuals. I wonder, do they wear the mask that I wear. Or is it real? Do they know who they really are. Are they satisfied? Do they believe that they are content. Content with the abilities that they possess? Do they have love, a love that nurtures them from head to toe, that protects them from hurt, that assures them to be comfortable in whatever they do and wherever they are... The mask becomes me, and I become the mask. I tend to forget that I am wearing this mask, this shield from exploring and discovering 'who is me'. The world moves quickly and ignorantly and I move with it. When I am awake,I have to face the hustle and bustle of this green earth, the stress and press giving false interpretations of the happenings in this world. I move with it, and forget who I am. I forget why I am here. Their personality becomes mine, and mine evaporates into thin air. If only I remember what it was that I am. What makes me me. Why I should be loved and why I could be loved. Yet I hide behind this mask. This beautiful carved mask that I have adapted to. It mirrors my face so perfectly it seems invisible, it is my companion, my comfort zone, a place where I can hide and not feel vulnerable to the secrets of this earth. I smile and they interpret it as 'content', that I am fine, that everything is in place and there isn't a twinkling of doubt, sorrow, uncertainty, hurt, loneliness that lies comfortably behind that smile; behind that beautifully carved mask. What they do not know is that...Love don't live here.

I step in. And I let my guard down. I finally take of this mask that took much effort and bravery to wear. The outline and wrinkles made by this mask, have imprinted themselves on to my face. I wear it everyday, my face has grown into it. I'm no longer me, I no longer look like me. Pretence has divided me from reality. From the satisfaction of being me. From knowing what I am capable of and from what I am actually worth. Without the mask, I know there is more. That I need to look further. Further into what makes me stand out, what differentiates me from the rest, why I am an important feature of this land. Why God put me here. I know that I need to look beyond the mask. I know that I need to stop hiding under pretence. Pretence of thinking I know who I am and what I want. With this mask, I settle for less, I look for that comfort zone and I sit in it, 'hoping' for things to be better for things to escalate into greatness. I wait, when I should be walking into greatness. This mask. Allowing me to accept hurt, to accept defeat, to accept luke-warmness, to accept something that is not me. I need to complete my destiny. But when love don't live here, who am I? Love don't live here, so I must go out and search for it. Bring it home. To love myself, to love what I do, to be loved unconditionally, then I will no longer wear this mask. I must find myself.