'You, Us, We'

I've been watching a lot of 'The Real' lately. In fact I'm a fan. For those of you that don't know, The Real is an american TV talk show with four hosts (Tamar Braxton-Herbert, Tamera Mowry-Housley, Loni Love, Jeannie Mai and Adrienne Bailon) who are all outspoken power house women, sharing their perspectives on real life issues. I love this show, because from time to time, they talk about things, real life situations that they are in or that come up in the media and most of the time I fully agree with what they say and it's kind of like me when I post my opinions about love and life on here. Some may not like it, may think it's annoying or boring or irrelevant, but sometimes, it's good to just have that 'girl chat' about something that most of us go through on a day to day basis. It isn't always about politics - sometimes, chill and be 'real'.

Unfortunately, Tamar Braxton-Herbert became ill recently and was hospitalized and whilst in recovery mode, the show had a special guest co-host almost every day to take her place on the show until she got better. On one of the episodes, The Real invited Tisha Campbell-Martin (I'm loving all these double barrel names by the way) on to the show and one of the topics that came up in 'girl chat'
which is one of their segments; I can't remember what the actual topic was, but it all boiled down to how Tisha and her husband Duane Martin have kept their marriage going for so long. Tisha summarised the secret to keeping their marriage alive and well to three pronouns - 'You, Us, We' and in that order. Before she even explained it, I was like yes! Once people get married, I feel like their priorities become a little confused and blurred. This doesn't just apply to marriages, it can also be relationships. Now, I'm no expert and I don't pretend to be, but I feel like this technique should be fact and it should be the norm. The only thing I would add to that quote, is God and Him first. Without him, there'd be no you. He's the reason you wake up every day, why you're still breathing and why you're still able to keep going despite life's trials and tribulations. Before, I go into preaching mode, as some of you may see it, my point is this and what Tisha Campbell Martin was explaining is that, you need to be able to focus on you first, then your relationship with your partner and the 'we' includes any children that may be in the mix also. I will explain all this further.

What ANNOYS me the most and you can bash me for this, because no one ever knows the full story behind closed doors, BUT the thing that annoys me is how the media glorifies 'divorce'. I hate it. I hate it because, divorce has become this thing, this object on the shelf, this product that is so easy to come by and so easy to get; it's like it has become a hobby. It's also become something that

individuals resort to so easily - they give up without trying. Now I'm not saying everyone that has gotten a divorce is lazy and doesn't try, but you get that impression, especially as divorce has become so popular lately. You hear some celebrities getting married and next week, they are already getting a divorce, it's like 'wait, what?...didn't they just tie the knot?' So confusing. In this day and age, the media is so influential, especially social media. Young people follow trends so quickly. I just feel like the media sends out this message of, when things get tough, you can always just walk away. You don't have to deal with it, just take the quickest route out of it. And that's divorce.

I don't want to disrespect those who have to go through divorce proceedings. It's obviously not a pretty situation and it can get ugly and stressful, especially if there are children involved. But I also don't want to encourage it and I'm definitely not for it. When I get married, that's it for me - there isn't an option for divorce. It's not about the decor, the guests, the location and the excitement of it all (the wedding), it's about being ready to enter a marriage that should be for life. Hope I'm not scaring anybody lol.

You have to make sure you are ready to enter a marriage that is for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health and so on. It seems the minute, something gets 'worse' or 'poor' or just plain ol' bad, people are quick to run. If you are going to enter a marriage, make sure you are ready. Sure, you may think you are ready or there isn't such a thing as being ready, but like I said, this is why God needs to be put first in everything you do. Everyone needs some guidance. Marriage is a new journey and should be treated with care - it's not something you should jump into, because you get blinded by how pretty the wedding would be or because of countless suggestions by your friends and family.

'You, We, Us' had me thinking, because I didn't actually put that into perspective properly until now. This could be a solution as to keeping your marriage or relationship happy and strong.

You: Once people get into a relationship or a marriage, they tend to lose sight of themselves, their individuality, what makes them, them and their goals in life. I'm guilty of doing this in the past - once I got into a relationship, everything was about HIM and I was slowly losing focus on me and my aspirations. Not a good look. And my sisters made me realise this. The key to being happy in a relationship with someone else, is making sure you love yourself and that YOU are happy first. Make sure that you don't forget about you, your ambitions and how you intend on building yourself emotionally, physically and of course financially. Make sure you're good, that's all. You've got to build a good foundation to stand on, one that you're confident you can build different paths on and one of those paths is your relationship.

We: You and your partner should come next in the equation. If both of you are happy or en route to being where you want to be, then you can share some of that good energy into your relationship. It'll be a positive journey where you can both encourage one another, lift each other up and the love should be even more sweet (that sounds so aff of me to say, but it is true). If both sides are happy, you can connect and have a healthy relationship. You can also set time aside to spend quality time with one another, so that you can learn from each other and of each other. It's always important, in my opinion, to make sure you don't lose sight of one another's needs in the relationship and to make sure you keep that spark going. It's easy to trail off into 'yeah we're in a relationship - that should be enough' - wrong. You have to put the work in. You have to keep in mind, that although there is 'YOU' there is also now a 'WE' and you have to figure out how you can keep both alive and kicking. I think learning from each other; lifestyles, ambition, how you both work, is something that should be treated as 'homework'. If you're not paying attention and giving each other the right amount of attention in your relationship, it can quickly fizzle out.

Us: If you are happy, and both of you are happy and you're both building a strong foundation for a family, then any child involved has something they can lean on and rely on. It is important for a child to feel that positive energy before them, to know that mummy or daddy or their guardian(s) is there for them to provide a happy household, one that teaches positivity, one that doesn't give up in the face of hostility, one that has built a foundation on love and trust and intelligence.

These three categories are key from my perspective. I just don't believe in giving up so easily. If there is a problem, it should be talked about, discussed, prayed on as a couple. If you can't figure it out there and then, I've always heard people say 'I'ma tell him/her to go calm down in the other room' and we'll hash it out later', I think that's fair - anything can be said in the heat of an argument. But instead of heading for those papers, head for prayer and get it sorted out.

I used to have 'reviews' with my boyfriend every month (don't judge me), just so that we were both on the same page, because it's easy to just ignore something that's been bothering you or to just let it get to you until you've had enough and end it. We don't do it anymore, because we have an understanding, but it did help. It's always good to talk eventually and just remember to put God first, yourself, both of you and any children that may be involved next.

Think of it as layers of cheesecake...I might just be saying that, because I crave some!

:)

PS. HAPPY NEW YEAR, Y'ALL!