The Friendship Fuss

‘Some people aren’t actually anti-social, they’re just very selective when it comes to the people they associate with’ – retweeted and quoted from Twitter

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you were always surrounded by people you called ‘friends’, but these were times where you were in secondary school, college or university, so you were bound to build friendships over time and spend a lot of time with them because you were in that kind of environment every day. Then all of a sudden, you find that your circles are getting smaller by the years; you’ve graduated, you’ve embarked on the next journey of life, you’ve had a number of birthdays, and you find that you can now count your friends on one hand…yes one hand.

Have you ever come to the realisation that, ALL those ‘friends’ you had weren’t actually your friends? They were associates, acquaintances, people who filled vacancies in your life – harsh, but that is the reality. You have people in your life that stay because it’s convenient or because they need you for something; you’re their plug as some might say or you’ve stumbled across this person via someone else, and they just happen to have remained, because…you don’t actually know or remember.

I’ve had some random friendships, some ‘dope’ friendships and some meaningful ones, but the reality is, friendships DO expire and what I want to say, is that no one should feel guilty of that happening. Friendships are a multi-way process – everyone plays a part in the standing of this relationship. It shouldn’t be about a give and take mentality. If you want something to happen, don’t wait for the other person to do it; start it, be the role model; take the initiative. Don’t start complaining and labelling and assuming, because at the end of the day, you’re pretty much just stressing yourself; and who likes stress? No one.

Calm down. Relax. Chill.

Honestly, friendships shouldn’t be difficult. They should be able to just flow without any hassle. Me personally, I’m sure a lot of people think I’m anti-social, and that’s OK. Think what you like – I actually couldn’t care less. You know why? Because, if you actually wanted to speak to me, if we actually had that easy-going connection, if you didn’t have that give and take mentality, you’d reach out to me regardless. You won’t just huff and puff like a dog in heat and assume that the friendship is over, because I haven’t text you to say ‘hello’. Again, I may sound very selfish, but believe me, I’m not. If you label someone your ‘friend’ and you genuinely mean it, then it shouldn’t be a problem reaching out, it shouldn’t be a problem getting along despite how long it has been since you spoke to one another and it shouldn’t feel like malice or spite. You should be able to pick up from where you left off and feel fine.

It annoys me, especially when you become an adult and you deal with the stresses of life – it’s not every day that I am going to be able to pick up the phone or send you a message, because honestly, I have my own stuff to deal with and these become my priorities. I’m not saying everyone else becomes unimportant, but friendship shouldn’t become a babysitting job. I can’t carry your hand every step of the way. If something is up, I’m not psychic, if you want to talk to me about it, you have my number; if you prefer email; I can also give you my personal email. I might sound like the b word right now, but this is reality. You’re not going to have time to sit down with EVERYONE.

I said I could count my friends on one hand, because in all honesty, there is only a few people I can actually call a friend – there are only a few people that I can connect with, even when we haven’t spoken for a long time and it doesn’t feel awkward whatsoever. I like to feel comfortable with whoever I have in my life. I do NOT and I will NOT force any type of friendship. I can’t do it. I do have people in my life that I haven’t spoken to for a while and when we do eventually speak, it’s like we spoke on the phone last night or whatever. There isn’t any whining, there aren’t any assumptions and there isn’t any bad blood. There aren’t excuses either. WE. JUST. CATCH. UP. WITHOUT. HASSLE.

Another thing I can’t stand is when people make fake excuses as to why they haven’t been in contact with you. Just be truthful – I’d rather you be upfront and straight up with me as to the reason why you haven’t spoken to me or want to have chilled with me other than make up some excuse from the top of your head. Again, I don’t force people to remain in my life – if you want to go, go now. If you find me boring, that is fine, that is your opinion, we clearly don’t have things in common anymore, we do not connect on any level. That’s not a crime – again, friendships expire. You can downgrade to an associate or acquaintance if you like, or completely just leave.

There is a time and a season for everything. God sends people into your life for a reason and for a season and when that time is up, it’s up. I can’t feel guilty for not wanting to reach out – there must be a reason for it. If I consider you a friend, a real friend that I can open up to, then I won’t hesitate in contacting you or setting up an evening out. Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t mean I don’t like you or don’t think you’re worth my time, it just means our friendship has diluted to the point where we don’t have much in common anymore. And this can be down to circumstances or situations or distance that comes with the life you live. You become closer to certain people in your life than others and again – this isn’t a crime, it’s natural. These things happen. Accept it.

I honestly could go on and on about friendships, because I’ve experienced a variety. But what I am trying to say is, if you do consider someone your friend and you miss speaking to them or hanging out with them that bad, then you can dial their number, it doesn’t make you any less of a person. It may encourage the other to do the same. You can’t all of a sudden build a case of fuss and force – friendships need to flow regardless of time frames or distance.

Besides, it’s not everyone you can call a friend – you have to be careful, not everyone is for you, some stay in your life to keep track of what you are doing to either tear you down or compete with you or bring negativity. So be selective and mindful of whom you keep around you.

First Date - Rules and Regulations, Really?

Twitter makes me angry, I swear. Like, I’m not a Twitter expert, and I only have just over 300 followers; I honestly just randomly tweet random stuff, but the things I read on this platform annoy the heck out of me and I’m always so tempted to lash out at someone I don’t even know personally, but I hold back, because people are crazy, like bonkers and I’m not about to have beef with someone online, who doesn’t add value to my life.

Lately, there’s been this on and off debate between women and men, about dates, relationships; who pays on the first date and all that palaver. Some of it stems from this new web series on YouTube called ‘BkChat Ldn’, where a group of young women and men pick a topic to debate on – it’s actually quite entertaining but frustrating at the same time – it can even make you pick a fight with your closest, because there are so many different opinions that clash.

Anyway, this whole debate about who pays on the first date isn’t new news to be honest. This has been a debate for yonks, and it’s been picked back up again. Some feel it should be the man, some feel it should be whoever is willing and some people don’t understand why it is an issue. I did write a post on this a while back, I think a couple years ago titled ‘chip and pin it’, and in my opinion, I felt and still feel that whoever started the courting process and whoever initiated the ‘first date’ should at least conclude the date by offering to pay for whatever it is you participated in. Now I’m not saying that this is the law and that the MAN MUST PAY FOR THE FIRST DATE, otherwise YOU HAVE FAILED IN LIFE. No. That is not what I am saying. I feel as though, the way the date came about, you obviously had asked this person out and so technically it is your treat, technically you’re doing the pursuing and so technically, it feels right if you pay for the date that YOU yourself set up. It really shouldn’t be an issue if I’m honest. What is your reason for debating paying? Can you not afford it? If that’s the case, why did you suggest it? Is it because you feel the person isn’t worth your money? If that’s the case, why did you ask them out? Is it because you’re trying to test this person? If that’s the case, this whole process is a game to you and you’re being very extra about it.

I can’t stress how much this topic annoys me. One of the participants in BkChat Ldn said it shouldn’t be about who has to pay for what – you should really just go with the vibe of the date, see how it goes. I agree, in that, it shouldn’t be a competition, it shouldn’t be about rules and regulations and it shouldn’t be treated as an exam. Whoever wants to pay, will pay. Simple. For me, it would be nice if whoever asked me out, completed this treat by paying for it, but it doesn’t mean I won’t offer to pay for my own meal or whatever – I have no issues with it. I’m working; I can pay for my own damn meal. If the guy doesn’t want to pay for it, fine. If he wants to split the bill, fine. For me, what matters, is that we were able to get on during the date and whatever follows after that, should come naturally. If you’re going to be all presidential about it; making regulations, please don’t waste my time and spare me the headache.

HOWEVER, some people are getting ahead of themselves. I’m seeing things like ‘girls need to calm down’, ‘you should feel privileged you were asked out in the first place’, ‘there are better girls out there that I could have taken out’…like WOAH, chill. Where did they announce that you were ‘God’s gift to women?’ Don’t try and make yourself look good, by kicking others down. If you feel strongly about having the opportunity to take other girls out, THEN GO AND TAKE THEM OUT! What’s holding you, please? No woman or man even, should be made to feel that they aren’t worth anything, that they were just there for ‘bants’ or were convenient. That’s not acceptable at all.

Then this whole, ‘why must I pay for the date – it’s not like I begged for your time’ or that it was mutual – yes so? It’s called being a gentleman, or do guys not like this term anymore or aren’t familiar? What because we are in 2016 now? It doesn’t matter. If you want to wine and dine someone, go all the way with it, don’t be half-hearted about it. You don’t study only some parts of a syllabus and expect to pass the exam do you? If you want to get to know someone, invest the time and effort; don’t be lazy or stubborn about it. It makes you look uptight and pompous.

This applies to both sexes. Courting someone shouldn’t be a game or an exam; it should flow and be a smooth process. If you aren’t feeling someone after that first date, then at least you know now, now you can move on. Regardless of the outcome of the date, paying for a meal or whatever should be your last concern.

I’m done with this debate – as entertaining as it might be, it kind of gets tired after a while. If no one wants to pay, stay in your house.

Oh and also, ladies, stop doing this expectation thing, this also applies to you. Bring your purses, don’t be that girl that relies on a man to do EVERYTHING for you.